(Important Note: Each post in this blog builds on the previous postings. If you are new to this blog it is strongly recommended that you initially read the posts in order from oldest to the most current.)

For a more current and concise discussion of the principles in this blog click on the following link:

             www.tranquiltoadmassage.com/ttoad-philosophy

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From Fear or Love

The preceding entry indicated that the decision to look for the beauty/good/value (and thus feel affection) or look for the corruption/imperfection (and thus extinguishing or preventing feelings of affection) in an object or person is made before you look.

I think this decision is made based on whether we are looking from fear or from love. Are we looking with a spirit of fear or a spirit of love. If you are looking at the imperfections then deep down you are primarily motivated in the unconscious mind (the heart) by the spirit of fear. You are afraid of something and therefore just as 'love casts out fear' so fear casts out love (or the affection component of love).

A consistent attitude of love is necessary to always look for the beauty/good/value in others. We must strip ourselves of all fear. Fear causes us to look for reasons not to connect; to not be intimate with the object or person of our affection. If we see beauty we will connect through feelings of affection unto fulfilling our erotic need for union. If we see corruption (imperfection) we will be prevented from intimate connection and thus fulfill our fearfulness.

What are some of the fears? Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being seen or perceived, fear of being hurt, fear of incest, fear of the opinions of others, fear of being seen as inferior, fear of our weaknesses being exposed, etc.

The fears I am talking about are the irrational fears we develop when we are young. Healthy fear in the moment of danger or from perceiving a real threat is fine, it is the fear that prevents us from pursuing appropriate intimate connection with people that is the problem. We must search our unconscious mind and meditate on any fear we find until it shifts and matures. If we can do this our hearts will open up to a far greater life of affection and passion.

I suspect we are always looking from a spirit of fear or a spirit of love. Happiness comes from always looking from a spirit of love. Lester Levenson discovered this. Google him and read his story!

What spirit is affecting your attitude right now as you read this? If you are not feeling love then you are probably being governed by a fear at this very moment. If so, meditate on the fear or the emptiness until it shifts.

(WARNING: All content appearing in "withoutaffection" is copyright by the blog's owner, with all applicable laws remaining in full force and effect. Reproduction is gladly permitted with accurate URL attribution.)

We First Choose, Then We Feel or Not

Eros is manifested in our lives by a need for connection with objects of our affection. We feel affection by looking for the value/beauty in the object of our affection. Once we perceive the value/beauty we then feel affection which causes us to desire greater connection or in other words greater intimacy.

I recently realized that I was making the decision as to whether I was going to look for value/beauty or look for weakness in my wife before I even begin to perceive her. So it is not the attractiveness or desirability of my wife that determines whether I feel affection for my wife or not, I make the decision as to whether or not I am even going to try to feel affection for my wife before I even look at or think about her!

So what are the reasons for deciding to look for weakness instead of value/beauty?

• Fear of incest

• Fear of rejection

• Egocentric need for perfection

FEAR OF INCEST

I think I mentioned earlier a bumper sticker which says that after you have been married a while you find you are in bed with a relative. Closeness to your partner makes them a relative and if you used a perspective of seeking weakness to prevent your feeling physical affection for your relatives (which you thought was sexual desire) then you will automatically apply this attitude of weakness-seeking to your perceiving of your partner to prevent this affection from arising.

I believe we can overcome this by doing the following:

1. Realize that what you are feeling is not sexual desire but rather physical affection. It is the degree and nature of your expression of the affection you feel that you need to keep within the bounds the relationship dictates. You kiss and hug your relatives to express your affection but you allow greater intimate expression (sexual expression) with your spouse.

2. Allow yourself to feel physical affection for all your family members. You may need to look at pictures of your mother, father and siblings when they were younger and think of them as just people first. See the physical beauty that shows through and allow your self to feel the mild pleasure of physical affection.

FEAR OF REJECTION

Many of us feel we are generally inferior as human beings. We may not have a perfect body or we may think we are not that smart or we believe we have any other real or imagined weakness. I felt just plain inferior to almost everyone I met. This belief in one's inferiority will hinder one from wanting to be connected because if you become connected the one you connect with will see your true, "inferior" self. You will fear being rejected.

Another important aspect arises from the higher priority you place on other people's opinions rather than your own. Since you are inferior, their opinions are more correct than yours so you fear their negative opinion of you because you will believe them more than you believe yourself. So if you are intimate with them they will see your weakness whether true or not and you will be devastated if they express it to you. So you decide before hand that you do not want to be intimate with them. You do this by turning on your weakness-seeking mode instead of your value-seeking mode.

Since fear of rejection is a function of ego, part of the solution will be found in the following section, however one of the most important activities is feeling physical affection for yourself, for your body. The more you love yourself, the more you will feel like connecting with others.

EGOCENTRIC NEED FOR PERFECTION

The ego is the degree to which we identify with the self (Physical & Spiritual Bodies). Our core identity, our true identity is consciousness itself which is one and the same in all of use. We are simply consciousness or awareness or more correctly, the light of truth. If we believe that our primary existence is this self then we will seek to satisfy and protect it to the exclusion of others. In other words the more our primary identity becomes wrapped up in the self the more we will be concerned with self to the exclusion of others. People then become objects to satisfy our needs rather than a part of our bigger, true identity.

The selfish person will seek the most perfect being to be their intimate partner. A selfish person's love becomes lopsided. Remember that love is composed of affection and charity. Love becomes corrupted and selfish when it only consists of the affection component. Without the a sense of connection with all mankind one will not care for their well being and thus will have no charity. Egoic individuals care for the wellbeing of others only to the extent that it serves themselves.

You overcome this egocentric tendency by seeing what ego really is and by putting it in its place. The ego is really just an idea that has no real substance. The ego is the idea that my primary being is this self. Through meditation and prayer one can come to see that the ego is really no-thing. You are therefore nothing as an individual. That is, there is no you inside your bodies. What you are is the seeing of things and since things are the seeing of them, you are all things. Putting ego in its place is humility. You need to humble your ego. This does not mean you do not have self respect. Your self (body and spirit) is the greatest of all creations. Your soul is the creator's attempt to recreate himself (male and female).

So you are actually three. You are primarily awareness, you are secondarily a creation, a soul (body & spirit), and finally you are the idea of self as an individual (ego). Ego needs to be brought low so that your true identity as the light of truth that is in and through all things is revealed. You do not eliminate ego altogether. You just put it in its place. You cannot do without ego. Without ego there is no one to have joy, pleasure etc. So the ego exists just so that it exists. In other words me only exists so that me exists. The most perfect way of expressing this is "I am that I am".

So from one perspective (ego) you are less than the dust of the earth (because you are only an idea without substance). From another perspective you are and object, a creation but the greatest of all creations, a son/daughter of God. And finally the most important and primary perspective, your true and primary identity, is the light of truth, consciousness itself, awareness itself, eternal, having never been created and never ending, and therefore invulnerable.

So to overcome the ego you put it in its place. This can be done as follows:

1. Meditate on your own nothingness, on humility and on ego. Meditation reveals the truth and integrates your knowledge in the unconscious mind and thus matures ego.
2. See the beauty/value in all people (their souls). See that they are above you (the ego), equal to you (because of the divine potentiality of self), below you (because the light of truth is above all and is one).
3. Once you feel affection for them, express it by serving them, by giving your valuable/beautiful self to them as a servant, as a leader, as a lover, etc.

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Most Important Activity

This post is about the most important activity for gaining and increasing affection.

Who is in the body is more important than anything with regard to affection. You feel affection for the hand, the foot, the neck, etc. of a person because of who you perceive they are. If you see a beautiful hand and see that it belongs to Adolph Hitler you will probably not feel affection for that hand. You must perceive the spirit or character of the person before you will feel affection. Therefore you must meditate upon them because that is the way you see the truth of any object or person. If your affection is diminishing or has gone for an individual then you are not taking the time to perceive that which is whole, good, beautiful, virtuous, etc. in that individual.

Meditation is simply the act of putting your awareness upon something and holding it there long enough to see its truth, meaning, etc. It is not thinking about the object, but only perceiving it. Thoughts will arise. Notice them and let them pass on, and then continue your task which is to keep your awareness upon the object of your affection.

“What if I see ugliness or weakness?” you may ask. As you meditate on them you will see weakness. "Weakness in others is temporary! Strength, virtue, and beauty are permanent!". Since weakness is temporary then it should be minimized and dismissed.

“How can you say this?” you may ask. “How can you say that weakness is temporary.” We are creative beings and when we imagine something, our creative faculties will all, automatically be employed to bring it about to the extent that we put our faith into that imagination. If you think “Oh he/she will never change” then you are contributing to that becoming true. To be happy we need to constantly be imagining the future as becoming or containing everything good and beautiful so that we are constantly manifesting that which is good, beautiful, abundant, etc.

We must continually be exercising faith that our loved one will continue to progress until they are perfectly whole! Don’t you think that this is why we are here; to learn and grow and become all that we can be.

Put your faith into your loved one that he/she will continue through their experiences in life to grow toward wholeness. If they don’t, well, “It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all”. Doing everything you can to help your loved one become all he/she is capable of being is the only worthy course.

We therefore minimize the temporary weakness and maximize the permanent strength, virtue, and beauty of our loved one in our meditation. We need to exercise faith that they are going to become everything we desire them to be. The weaknesses will, bit by bit, one day, go away. If they don’t, then at least you have not contributed to the fact that the weaknesses are still there and I believe you will find another who is everything you imagined your loved one to be. We are ultimately meant to get everything we desire.

To feel/increase affection for your loved one you just need to mediate on your loved one. Close your eyes and meditate on their image. Better yet open your eyes and meditate on them by watching their image and their activity. Observe and cherish the beautiful and good; ignore and dismiss the negative because they are temporary. Imagine and/or feel the whole, beautiful, virtuous being that they are becoming and one day will be. They will be and are therefore irresistible, kissable, lovable, etc.

If you do this you will be drawn to be more intimate with them and to express love for them. They will feel valued, loved, and of worth and therefore will be motivated to be a better companion, friend, lover, etc.

Having a hard time seeing the beauty? You may want to take a picture of your loved one when they were young and in a more visibly whole state of being. The beauty you see in the youthful photo is still there it is just hidden by temporary weakness.

So what is the most important activity with regard to affection? It is to look. It is to perceive with faith all that is desirable in them now and realize that one day they will blossom into a whole, irresistible being. See the beauty that is there and feel that more is to come.

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To Summarize

This entry is a summary of some of the key ideas I have presented in this blog.

First of all my definition of affection is key. Affection is simply the feeling we get when we perceive something of value in an object or person. There are all kinds of affections. The nature of the feeling depends on what characteristic(s) of the person or object one is perceiving. The feeling I get when I see the physical beauty of the eyes of a person is different from the feeling I get when I view a virtue in an individual such as kindness. Also the nature as well as the intensity of our affections depend on what we value and how much we value.

Love is the combination of affection and charity. By charity I mean the attitude and feeling of caring for the wellbeing of an individual. This aspect of love causes us to be concerned if an individual is happy or not, healthy or not, etc. So love is both the value we feel for various characteristics of the person (affections) and the attitude of caring for that person (charity). At this point I believe it is as simple as that.

Eros is the foundation of all desire. Eros is the need to return to the source or primary element from which we come. Eros manifests itself in us as a strong desire for union. This need is irresistible. Everything we seek to do is an act of union and is an attempt to return to the source; to fill our imperative need.

Affection is the filter we use to determine what and who we will satisfy the need for union (Eros) with. The result of affection is a desire for greater union; greater intimacy. Affection for another human being causes one to desire to get closer, to touch, to embrace, to kiss.

I define physical affection as affection for the physical aspect of an individual; for their body. Beautiful eyes, lips, face, arms, etc. generate the emotion of physical affection which the world thinks is sexual desire. It is not sex desire, it is erotic desire. The feeling a man feels when he sees the body of a beautiful woman is physical affection and is not necessarily lust. It is not a sexual feeling. Physical affection can lead to sexual stimulation and expression but it does not need to.

Many of the problems with intimacy within marriage stem from our belief that we should not feel pleasurable feelings from looking at and touching the bodies of members of the family except a husband or wife. This is a problem because if a man is repulsed by the body of his mother, he will eventually become repulsed at the body of his wife because she takes the place of his mother as one of her roles.

It wasn't till I felt physical affection for my mother that I had a complete, wholesome love for her. This also relates to my relationship with other members of my family.

Another intimacy problem stems from the fact that we become one with our spouse in such a way that we will treat our spouses body just as we do our own. If you are repulsed by your own body you may eventually become repulsed by your spouses.

Since affection is based on perceived value, the ability to retain and/or change our values is very important. The more value we place on our spouse, the more affection we will feel for them. We can change our values by meditating and pondering. Meditation is simply focusing our attention on one thing. When focus on or have 'an eye single' to one particular object or person we will see the true value of that object or person. Pondering is thinking about. As we ponder things our values shift.

We sometimes forget the value we originally placed on our spouse. We must look again at our spouse without any preconceived ideas. We must look with a meditate state of mind. Just look without thinking. At other times think about his or her value. It is just a matter of not seeing the value that is there. We get in a mode of taking them for granted instead of seeing clearly.

(WARNING: All content appearing in "withoutaffection" is copyright by the blog's owner, with all applicable laws remaining in full force and effect. Reproduction is gladly permitted with accurate URL attribution.)

What prevents one from feeling affection? What causes affection that once existed to decrease or disappear?

To answer this we must first look to what affection is. Affection is the feeling we get when we perceive something of value in something or someone. Affection therefore is not present when we do not perceive value. We do not perceive value for the following reasons:

• The object or person has lost their value

• We can no longer see the value

• What we valued before is no longer of as great a value to us (our values have changed)

• We for some reason we do not value this characteristic in this particular person or object even though we do value it in others

• We block ourselves from seeing the characteristic or value of the characteristic in this particular person or object for some reason

• Negative feelings/thoughts override the value

• We are in the habit of looking for the negative in the person or object (we are prejudiced or that is just the way we view people or we are trying to validate our own worth by seeing the weaknesses in others)

The object or person has lost their value

We may have valued the physical beauty of our spouse when we first married but now the physical beauty has faded somewhat. Although the affection in some may grow cold for this faded aspect of their spouse, others, remembering and feeling gratitude for the beauty that once was and the pleasure it gave, still feel affection as if the beauty is still there.

We no longer see the value

One reason we no longer see the value is that we no longer look. We tend to remember our abstracted definition of the object of our affection instead of seeing them directly. You can look at a tree and think 'oh, a tree' and then move on without seeing the tree anew. You just pulled up your stored abstract definition of a tree to identify it and you did not actually let your senses rest on the object unobstructed by your generalized definition of a tree. We tend to look at the new things but only remember the things we have had around for a while. To remedy this, one has but to see again. We think we know our spouse so we don't look anymore we remember an abstracted image of our spouse. To see instead of remember we need to put our awareness upon the object of our affection and not allow any judgment from the past to come up, just look. If you just look and let whatever affections arise you are truly seeing. Look for that which is of value to you. Let your eyes rest upon the object of your affection until you perceive the inherent beauty.

A principle of meditation is that you put your awareness on something and hold it there without any thought. If you can hold your focus on an object it's true nature will become clear to you and any beauty/value will become apparent and thus affections will arise.

What we valued before is no longer of as great a value to us (our values have changed)

As many of us mature we begin to value things and characteristics differently. For example where we may have placed a lot of value on physical beauty in our youth but now we might care more about an affable companion and the beauty of the spirit of an individual. Our values may become more 'spiritual' more mature or they could even erode and become more base.

We for some reason we do not value this characteristic in this particular person or object even though we do value it in others

Our spouse could be as if not more beautiful or handsome as another, but for some reason we do not value it in our spouse! I have discussed some of the reasons for this in other postings.

We block ourselves from seeing the characteristic or value of the characteristic in this particular person or object

If we become offended by someone, we may minimize their good features that would otherwise produce affection in us.

Negative feelings/thoughts override the value

When I went through my divorce I found no beauty and therefore no affection in anything. I used to love looking at the mountains as I drove to work, but for a while after my divorce they and many other things produced no affection in me and actually produced an oppressive feeling.

We are in the habit of looking for the negative in the person or object (we are prejudiced or that is just the way we view people or we are trying to validate our own worth by seeing the weaknesses in others)

For whatever reason we have gotten in the habit of looking for the negative in others. We are constantly judging others negatively, not even fairly. We have prejudices that we grew up with. A major problem I see is that because I may feel inferior generally, I am always trying to pull my self image up and at times I may do it by trying to see the weaknesses in others. If I see that someone is not as strong as me then I feel strong. If I make more money than someone else then I feel of value. This immature way of dealing with our own feelings of inadequacy will block us from seeing the value in others because we are not looking for it. We are looking for their deficiencies to build ourselves up.

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Only One Kind of Love

Love is one but there are many affections. My belief is that love is the combination of affection and charity. Affection being the part of love that is an emotional response to the perception of beauty, value or meaning in the object of our affection. Charity being the component of love that causes us to care about the well-being and happiness of the object of our love.

We tend to think that we love our father or mother one way and our spouse in a different way. Really the only difference has to do with what characteristic of our loved one our affection is based on. For example we may put a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of our spouse but do not put emphasis on the physical aspect of our mother or father. This makes sense since we express our love for our spouse in a more physically intimate way. The extent and nature of the expression of our love is guided by what we believe is appropriate according to the relationship we have with the object of our affection. A problem occurs however when we totally block any affection for the physical aspect of our parents.

The confusion of the feelings of physical affection (emotions that result from perceiving the physical beauty of an individual) with sexual expression causes some of us to repress any affection which is stimulated by our parents bodies. We go so far as to be repulsed by the idea of seeing them naked. So hugging or kissing them becomes a duty rather than a pleasure. By restricting our affection for the physical aspect of our parents we are limiting our love for our parents. We are mistakenly excluding physical affection from our love for our parents.

The difference between the love of my mother and the love of my wife for example should just be the degree of my affection and expression rather what our affection is based on.

To kindle a richer affectionate component of my love for my mother I looked at pictures of her when she was young and considered what my feelings would be for this woman if she were not my mother. I soon found physical affection for my mother and I also found there is a natural boundary to what I feel and how I would express this for my mother.

If I were able to kiss my mother on the lips at this time, the feelings, the affections, the desire would be of the same nature as that which I feel when I kiss my spouse/lover but milder and therefore there is a natural boundary that limits the degree of expression.

The relational role of Mother/Son dictates that I do not go beyond a loving/affectionate kiss into a passionate/intimate kiss as I would my spouse/lover but the feelings the emotions which arise should initially be the same! My mother is a woman and there is a natural physical affection between a man and a woman. My mother is no exception, indeed her physical aspect should be more significant to me than others. There is greater respect for my mother and greater emotional connection than other women I have had no relationship with.

We have become confused in that we think that feelings of physical affection are sexual. We think that the feelings we feel when we enjoy the beauty of the naked body of our lover are sexual, but they are not. They are initially physical affection. Physical affection is the feeling we feel when we see the value, beauty and meaning of the physical body of another. It is felt in the heart and will lead us to want to connect more fully or have union with that body. The relational role dictates the extent and nature of those expressions of union.

If I accidentally see my mother naked I might smile and whistle at her and make an appropriate verbal expression of how beautiful she is. If I see my spouse/lover naked I might express my affection and resulting desire for union through sexual intercourse.

We should stop limiting our love for people and trust that the natural boundaries of proper expression will always be enough to temper our desires.

If one feels that having physical affection for ones parents or siblings is disgusting, all you need to do is stop and observe those feelings with curiosity. Basically, mediate on the feeling. As you do this, eventually that disgust will go away. This is assuming that the feeling of disgust is based on just the false notion that you should not feel physical affection for individuals in your family.

(WARNING: All content appearing in "withoutaffection" is copyright by the blog's owner, with all applicable laws remaining in full force and effect. Reproduction is gladly permitted with accurate URL attribution.)