What prevents one from feeling affection? What causes affection that once existed to decrease or disappear?

To answer this we must first look to what affection is. Affection is the feeling we get when we perceive something of value in something or someone. Affection therefore is not present when we do not perceive value. We do not perceive value for the following reasons:

• The object or person has lost their value

• We can no longer see the value

• What we valued before is no longer of as great a value to us (our values have changed)

• We for some reason we do not value this characteristic in this particular person or object even though we do value it in others

• We block ourselves from seeing the characteristic or value of the characteristic in this particular person or object for some reason

• Negative feelings/thoughts override the value

• We are in the habit of looking for the negative in the person or object (we are prejudiced or that is just the way we view people or we are trying to validate our own worth by seeing the weaknesses in others)

The object or person has lost their value

We may have valued the physical beauty of our spouse when we first married but now the physical beauty has faded somewhat. Although the affection in some may grow cold for this faded aspect of their spouse, others, remembering and feeling gratitude for the beauty that once was and the pleasure it gave, still feel affection as if the beauty is still there.

We no longer see the value

One reason we no longer see the value is that we no longer look. We tend to remember our abstracted definition of the object of our affection instead of seeing them directly. You can look at a tree and think 'oh, a tree' and then move on without seeing the tree anew. You just pulled up your stored abstract definition of a tree to identify it and you did not actually let your senses rest on the object unobstructed by your generalized definition of a tree. We tend to look at the new things but only remember the things we have had around for a while. To remedy this, one has but to see again. We think we know our spouse so we don't look anymore we remember an abstracted image of our spouse. To see instead of remember we need to put our awareness upon the object of our affection and not allow any judgment from the past to come up, just look. If you just look and let whatever affections arise you are truly seeing. Look for that which is of value to you. Let your eyes rest upon the object of your affection until you perceive the inherent beauty.

A principle of meditation is that you put your awareness on something and hold it there without any thought. If you can hold your focus on an object it's true nature will become clear to you and any beauty/value will become apparent and thus affections will arise.

What we valued before is no longer of as great a value to us (our values have changed)

As many of us mature we begin to value things and characteristics differently. For example where we may have placed a lot of value on physical beauty in our youth but now we might care more about an affable companion and the beauty of the spirit of an individual. Our values may become more 'spiritual' more mature or they could even erode and become more base.

We for some reason we do not value this characteristic in this particular person or object even though we do value it in others

Our spouse could be as if not more beautiful or handsome as another, but for some reason we do not value it in our spouse! I have discussed some of the reasons for this in other postings.

We block ourselves from seeing the characteristic or value of the characteristic in this particular person or object

If we become offended by someone, we may minimize their good features that would otherwise produce affection in us.

Negative feelings/thoughts override the value

When I went through my divorce I found no beauty and therefore no affection in anything. I used to love looking at the mountains as I drove to work, but for a while after my divorce they and many other things produced no affection in me and actually produced an oppressive feeling.

We are in the habit of looking for the negative in the person or object (we are prejudiced or that is just the way we view people or we are trying to validate our own worth by seeing the weaknesses in others)

For whatever reason we have gotten in the habit of looking for the negative in others. We are constantly judging others negatively, not even fairly. We have prejudices that we grew up with. A major problem I see is that because I may feel inferior generally, I am always trying to pull my self image up and at times I may do it by trying to see the weaknesses in others. If I see that someone is not as strong as me then I feel strong. If I make more money than someone else then I feel of value. This immature way of dealing with our own feelings of inadequacy will block us from seeing the value in others because we are not looking for it. We are looking for their deficiencies to build ourselves up.

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