Only One Kind of Love

Love is one but there are many affections. My belief is that love is the combination of affection and charity. Affection being the part of love that is an emotional response to the perception of beauty, value or meaning in the object of our affection. Charity being the component of love that causes us to care about the well-being and happiness of the object of our love.

We tend to think that we love our father or mother one way and our spouse in a different way. Really the only difference has to do with what characteristic of our loved one our affection is based on. For example we may put a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of our spouse but do not put emphasis on the physical aspect of our mother or father. This makes sense since we express our love for our spouse in a more physically intimate way. The extent and nature of the expression of our love is guided by what we believe is appropriate according to the relationship we have with the object of our affection. A problem occurs however when we totally block any affection for the physical aspect of our parents.

The confusion of the feelings of physical affection (emotions that result from perceiving the physical beauty of an individual) with sexual expression causes some of us to repress any affection which is stimulated by our parents bodies. We go so far as to be repulsed by the idea of seeing them naked. So hugging or kissing them becomes a duty rather than a pleasure. By restricting our affection for the physical aspect of our parents we are limiting our love for our parents. We are mistakenly excluding physical affection from our love for our parents.

The difference between the love of my mother and the love of my wife for example should just be the degree of my affection and expression rather what our affection is based on.

To kindle a richer affectionate component of my love for my mother I looked at pictures of her when she was young and considered what my feelings would be for this woman if she were not my mother. I soon found physical affection for my mother and I also found there is a natural boundary to what I feel and how I would express this for my mother.

If I were able to kiss my mother on the lips at this time, the feelings, the affections, the desire would be of the same nature as that which I feel when I kiss my spouse/lover but milder and therefore there is a natural boundary that limits the degree of expression.

The relational role of Mother/Son dictates that I do not go beyond a loving/affectionate kiss into a passionate/intimate kiss as I would my spouse/lover but the feelings the emotions which arise should initially be the same! My mother is a woman and there is a natural physical affection between a man and a woman. My mother is no exception, indeed her physical aspect should be more significant to me than others. There is greater respect for my mother and greater emotional connection than other women I have had no relationship with.

We have become confused in that we think that feelings of physical affection are sexual. We think that the feelings we feel when we enjoy the beauty of the naked body of our lover are sexual, but they are not. They are initially physical affection. Physical affection is the feeling we feel when we see the value, beauty and meaning of the physical body of another. It is felt in the heart and will lead us to want to connect more fully or have union with that body. The relational role dictates the extent and nature of those expressions of union.

If I accidentally see my mother naked I might smile and whistle at her and make an appropriate verbal expression of how beautiful she is. If I see my spouse/lover naked I might express my affection and resulting desire for union through sexual intercourse.

We should stop limiting our love for people and trust that the natural boundaries of proper expression will always be enough to temper our desires.

If one feels that having physical affection for ones parents or siblings is disgusting, all you need to do is stop and observe those feelings with curiosity. Basically, mediate on the feeling. As you do this, eventually that disgust will go away. This is assuming that the feeling of disgust is based on just the false notion that you should not feel physical affection for individuals in your family.

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