Boundaries

How do we determine what is sexual versus what is erotic? It’s simpler than you think. Just look at where the feeling is coming from: chest = erotic, loins = sexual. This is how I discovered that there was a difference between erotic and sexual, by noticing that they came from two different locations in my body. I cannot emphasize the importance of this distinction enough.

If it is true, it reconciles those who say we must be chaste with those who say we must be more intimate. They can both be right. Sexual always begins with erotic but erotic does not have to lead to sexual expression. Sexual is always erotic. Erotic is not necessarily sexual.

The warm affection which we feel for the physical body of another is initially not sexual, regardless of the age or gender of the person. Once we understand this important distinction we have greater control over our expressions of intimacy.

The lines between what is proper in our expressions of affection and what is not become clearer when we can clearly identify the distinctions between affection, erotic desire and sexual desire

New Feelings for My Mother

Generally we have a whole host of affections for human beings which are mixed together. When we look at our own mother or father we feel various affections. All I am saying is that if we feel nothing or even repulsion for their physical bodies as a man or woman then we are leaving one affection component out.

Again, many of us have cut off this physical affection or even put a negative feeling in its place to protect us from thinking of our parents in a “sexual” way. I didn't allow myself to enjoy the feel of my mother’s soft back when I gave her a hug; or the softness of her lips as I kissed her. Basically I didn’t even consider her a woman. She was something else she was my mom not a beautiful woman.

As I began to see the distinction between sexual and erotic, I began to allow myself to see my mother as a woman. I looked at old pictures of her and let myself feel warm feelings of physical affection for her as a woman. My mother had passed away but I longed to hold her and tell her I love her; to feel her body pressed to mine in the warm embrace of a mother and son.

As the distinction between sexual and erotic became clearer for me, so did the boundaries that are a natural part of relationships. My relationship with my mother, my enjoyment of her physically of course would never have gone beyond a hug, a kiss, a backrub. These expressions even though only imagined, since my mother had passed away, made my love for her more whole. Physical affection adds greatly to all our relationships with other human beings.

The caring love I had for my mother was enhanced by the warmth of my physical affection. When I feel affection for a person’s physical aspect as well as loving them, I am not only telling a person that I care about them but that I value them, that they are desirable just because they are a human being with a body.

Erotic vs Sexual

The perception of beauty, value or meaning leads to affection, then affection leads to desire for intimacy. I am calling the desire for intimacy eros. If I want to say something has the quality of eros I would say it is “erotic”. Here I have a dilemma. I fear that most people think of “sexual” when they hear the word “erotic”. I don’t believe this is correct. Erotic only refers to the desire for union to satisfy the primary need. There are many, many forms of union, sexual relations being only one of them. I will stick with the term “erotic” and will qualify it at times by indicating in parenthesis “(not sexual)”.

To me erotic is not sexual. Sexual has to do with the activities of sex organs between two living beings. Erotic desires can lead to sexual expression but most of the time they will not. We have been conditioned to think erotic feelings are sexual feelings. Erotic feelings are strong and the satisfaction of Eros is very pleasurable. We have, I believe erroneously labeled these feelings “sexual”.

This splitting of the terms “erotic” and “sexual” accomplishes a lot. It narrows what is purely sexual. It allows us to feel physical affection for those of our own family when previously we may have cut those feelings off because we thought they were sexual.

Physical affection for a member of our own family or those we do not currently have close relationships with is mildly “erotic” (not sexual) because it has to do with our attitude toward their physical aspect or physical bodies. Remember, when considering physical affection we are specifically talking about what we feel when we consider the physical aspect of others; in other words the affection triggered by our perceiving their physical bodies. We see their youthful skin, their bright eyes, their beautiful arms etc. There is a natural feeling we feel when considering the inherent beauty of the physical body. It is physical affection which in turn arouses eros, the desire for union. I suspect many have unwittingly cut off these feelings mistakenly thinking they were sexual.

Intimacy

What the object of our affection is will dictate what the nature of our relationship with that person or object will be. The nature of the relationship will dictate the nature and limits of our expressions of affection or the degree and kind of union we can achieve.

Greater intimacy with food is to smell, taste then eat. Greater intimacy with one of our children might be to hug, kiss or rub their back. So the word intimacy to me simply means greater union.

We can therefore be intimate not only with people but with things. We can be intimate with food, cars, houses, books, etc. These acts of intimacy serve to satisfy the need for union. Affection therefore is our way of determining what we want to have union with. Affections are what indicate to us that an object or person we are perceiving will satisfy Eros; our need for union to some degree. A person’s field or activity that they have passion for is what they have affection for which triggers the most desire for union.

The Critical Question

There are few questions more important than how we choose to satisfy Eros, the one imperative need. How I satisfy Eros will determine if I am a concert pianist, a couch potato, a mass murderer, a nobel prize winner, etc.

What we put our need for union into is what we spend most of our time doing. To a degree the expression “follow your bliss” is really just saying follow what you feel will satisfy Eros the most.

I suspect that those who are most successful in any given field of endeavor are those who put most of their need for union into that field. This becomes their passion. But what determines what we choose to put our need for union into. What will satisfy Eros most?

To answer to this vital question we need to go back to the main topic of this blog, affection.

What is the response to a feeling of affection? In previous posts I stated that I believe we first see something we value and then we feel an affection. What follows affection is the desire for greater intimacy. Another word for intimacy is union. Intimacy consists of activities that accomplish greater union. Desiring greater intimacy means we want to be more connected to the object of our affection. We want to touch, kiss, drive, buy, study, taste, eat, smell in an attempt to become one with it.