One Imperative Need

I want to shift gears here and make a rather bold statement: There is only one imperative need. By imperative, I mean irresistibly imperative. You and no one else who has ever lived can resist this need. You can stop eating (you’ll die but you can stop, its been done), you can stop breathing, you can stop loving, etc. but you cannot resist the one imperative need. In fact your body will go on seeking to fulfill this need even long after your dead! All things are subject to this need. All matter is subject to this need. Can you guess what it is?

One of the most obvious examples of this need is sex. This need is the driving force behind sexual expression. It is what makes sex so satisfying. To identify this need all you have to do is look at everything we do and determine the one common element of all our activities. What aspect of our behavior is common to all our activity?

When we eat something we are causing the food to be merged with out body. Our bodies absorb all that they want from the food and discard the rest. When we study a subject we are trying to absorb the subject, to make it part of us. The most obvious aspect about sex is the urge to become one flesh. What is the common characteristic of all of these activities and I believe of all our activities? They are all acts of union. Everything we do is an effort to unite to some degree.

What is this one imperative need? It is the need for union.

Everything you do is an act of union. Your efforts are constantly to unite with the things you desire. Everything we do is either union or separation. When you are separating you are only choosing to not unite any further with the object or person you are separating from. So union seems to be the primary or foundation motivator of all we do, separation only being the cessation of our seeking to fulfill the primary need.

When you die your body will continue to dissolve until it reaches a certain point. Your body like all matter is continually trying to unite with, by returning to, its primary element. A discussion of this primary element is not within the scope of this blog, perhaps in another. You can call the primary element God, consciousness, energy or light and you would probably be right. What is important is that we are made out of this primary element and therefore we feel a constant urge to return to it. This constant urge manifests itself as a desire for union.

It doesn’t matter what we are trying to unite with, it will give some satisfaction if we do. Some things however are more satisfying to unite with than others.

French philosopher, Christian mystic, and social activist Simone Weil (1909-1943) said the following: "If people were told: what makes carnal desire imperious in you is not its pure carnal element. It is the fact that you put into it the essential part of yourself----the need for Unity, the need for God----they wouldn't believe it. To them it seems obvious that this quality of imperious need belongs to the carnal desire as such. In the same way it seems obvious to the miser that the quality of desirability belongs to gold as such, and not its exchange value."

I first saw this quote in Sam Keen’s book “The Passionate Life: Stages of Loving”. In this book he names this need; he calls it “Eros”. Eros was the first born god of the Greek creation myth arising out of primordial Chaos along with Gaea, the earth.

Funk & Wagnalls Standard Dictionary of the English Language makes this statement regarding Eros (the Roman god Cupid): “He was regarded as a capricious child who could not be resisted by either gods or mortals.”

I believe Chaos is a representation of the primary element or the original state of things which I personally believe is light or consciousness itself. As soon as something is formed from Chaos, Eros arises as the urge to go back to Chaos. To put it simply we are all basically made of some primary element and we all feel the urge to return to it. This urge is the foundation of all motivation, all desire.

Affection

When affection is thought of as being a distinct feeling or a small set of mild, tender feelings I think we relegate it to a less significant place than what it really holds in the whole of what a human being is. To me affection is simply the emotional response we feel when we perceive something of significant value, beauty or positive meaning in someone or something. Therefore there is a whole range of feelings that are “affections”. The nature of the feeling is dependant on the person or object of our affection and the specific characteristic we are observing.

I feel one feeling when I look at my son and contemplate what he means to me. I get another feeling when I look at my wife’s smooth lips. In my belief both feelings are affections. Two different feelings are generated but of interest is the fact that these affections might motivate one to express that affection through the same kind of expression, a kiss.

Does a banana split evoke affection? According to my definition, if you like banana splits, it certainly does! Say you look at a picture of a banana split. If you have never had ice cream, hot fudge, bananas, whipped cream etc. the picture wouldn’t mean much to you, but if you have had experience with banana splits the picture evokes a feeling. The feeling is saying to you that you value banana splits. The feeling is actually an instantaneous summarization of your experiences with banana splits and it tells you this is something that is desirable. Then your system generates a desire; A desire for greater intimacy with a banana split. I will explain my use of the word intimacy in another post, but if you want to taste it, feel it in your mouth and make it a part of you, isn't that intimacy. You want complete union with it, you want to eat it!

Affection can be for food, for people, for houses, for cars, for animals, for anything. We feel affection for that which we value, for that which means something positive to us, for that which is beautiful to us. All affections as I have defined them lead us to desire greater intimacy with the object of our affection. The form and extent of our intimate expressions will of course be limited by the boundaries we have in our hearts related to the type of relationship.

Shame

A greater understanding as to why my mother may have felt negative about us physically may be obtained by looking at how she felt about her own body. I found out in a rather dramatic way, what my mother’s attitude toward her own body was and which I believe was her attitude toward mine.

My mother had, in her later years, suffered from mental illness on occasion. Most of the time she was fine but from time to time she would have what we termed a "nervous breakdown". It was like she was trying to break out of all her repressed feelings. She would become embarrassingly honest in her behavior. While in one of these breakdowns her inhibitions were gone and she said whatever was on her mind. She would say and do things that were out of character as far as we were concerned. It was actually a time when she was just trying to be herself, to regain her carefree youth.

One night when I was in my early teens, I heard a commotion upstairs and I went to see what was happening. My father and one of my sisters were in my parent’s bedroom with my mother. My mother was having one of her breakdowns. My mother was on the bed completely naked and was very emotional. I was shocked to see her like that but it turned out to be important that I was there because she cried out "I am ashamed of my body!"

The whole experience was very strange but when I reflected on it later what was significant was that my mother’s body was actually not unattractive yet she was ashamed of it. Mom had a negative attitude toward her body and this same attitude, I surmised, was unintentionally directed toward us children in all her interactions with us and became our attitude regarding our own bodies and affected how we viewed ourselves throughout our lives. What is evident to me is that my mother had either no feelings about me physically or maybe even negative feelings.

I do not blame my mother for anything. I am sure she unwittingly picked this attitude up as she was growing up. Who knows where or when it started; probably over generations. I believe many in the United States have been affected by this same issue. I believe there are many who were given either apathetic or negative attitudes toward their bodies. I suspect that many are repulsed by their own bodies. I will discuss what I see as the reasons for this in a later post. It is important to point out that your attitude toward your own body affects your ability to feel and express physical affection. More on this later.

My Body, My Self

How did this happen? How does one develop physical affection or lose it? There are two perspectives that enter into this and both need to be addressed. First is how I feel about my own body and second how I feel about my mother's body or the bodies of those in my own family.

I have already mentioned how there was a lack of affection for my mother's physical aspect but what about our relationship with our own bodies? How do we develop our attitude about our own bodies? It's simple. Our attitude toward our own body is a reflection of the attitude of our parents towards our bodies! We gain our attitude from the signals and feelings we get from our parents or other people whose opinion we value. If my mother feels and manifests apathy or even disgust regarding my body that is probably the attitude I will adopt.

On one occasion I watched my daughter-in-law bathe my grandson when he was an infant. His eyes were constantly fixed on her face. It seemed he was wondering "what do you think of me mom?" As far as a baby is concerned when he or she is naked it is not just his/her body that is exposed for his or her mother's reaction but it as far as the baby knows it is his/her self.

The reaction of the parent to their child’s body could very well determine how the child comes to feel about themselves as a whole. So what did my mother think of me? I remember when I was a young boy seeing mom bathe my little brother. She seemed stiff and did not seem to enjoy what she was doing. As I look back on this I thought perhaps she had some kind of negative attitude about my little brother’s body. If not a negative attitude at least there was no pleasure in her while bathing my brother. Is this the attitude she had towards me and is this the attitude I have toward my own body? Could this be or am I imagining something that wasn't true?

Mom

One of the most important clues that indicated I was lacking affection, even in my early childhood, was that I took no pleasure in hugging and kissing my mother. Some might say I didn’t love her. It must be understood that I did "love" my mother. I cared how she felt. I cared that she was happy. I never wanted her to be hurt. I was sad when she was sad and happy when she was happy. I always wanted to be in her company. Isn’t that love? The love I had for my mother is more of an altruist love characterized by empathy. I feel sad when others are sa

d and happy when they are happy. My mother was always caring for our needs and had great empathy for us as well. I probably got my empathy from her.

My mother was unfailing in her responsibilities as a mother. She was valiant in serving her family. So I had gratitude for my mother's sacrifice, for all she did for me. So I felt altruistic love and gratitude for her but does this have anything to do with "physical affection"?

If you have great charity, in my opinion, you have one of the most important virtues a person can obtain to. But charity without affection is not as rich as it could be. A certain warmth is lacking. You feel compassion for someone and you help them but there is not necessarily the warmth of physical affection. Yes, as you contemplate what someone does for you or what they mean to you there might arise in your heart certain warm tender affections. This is not what I mean by physical affection. Physical affection applies specifically to the physical aspect of the person you are feeling affection for.

I am not sure when I realized it, but at some point I knew that I did not take pleasure in hugging my mother. What was missing? It was physical affection. I had somehow been turned off to the inherent beauty and value of my mother as a woman. I did not look at her as I did other women. Even though she was physically attractive I did not allow myself to feel anything regarding her physical being. I tended to look at the weaknesses in her appearance for some reason rather than the beauty. So I was turned off to her physically and and for that matter to the bodies of anyone in my family. I found it easy to enjoy the beauty of women I didn't know but once they got close to me they became family and physical affection vanished.

Expression vs Feeling

A lot of emphasis is put on the expression of affection. I wonder if people in general think of the "expressions" of affection when they hear the word "affection" rather than affection itself.

For example if someone says that Mary is an affectionate woman generally they mean she tends to touch, hug and kiss others freely. Affection is a feeling or emotion while the "expression of affection" is just that. An affectionate person is one who feels affection whether they display or express that affection or not.

We more often hear of those who have a hard time "showing" or “expressing” their affection rather than those who don't feel it. My problem wasn't showing affection it was feeling it to begin with. Once I began feeling affection I had no problem expressing it.

I suspect the real problem is often feeling, not expressing affection so if I have trouble showing affection I should first ask myself "do I feel affection?" One of the predictions in the bible for the 'last days' is that men will be without natural affection. I think this is happening now.

People have only vague definitions of affection. People have trouble staying together. Do you think that two people who have strong, consistent affection for each other would divorce? One of them would have to have pretty severe problems in other areas for this to happen. My lack of affection was the cause of my divorce and I suspect is at the root of many divorces.

Affection?

Even in my childhood I suspected that there was something missing in me. I didn’t seem to “feel” enough positive emotions.

When I married there were not a lot of romantic feelings. I felt more like my prospective bride was my best friend but I believed I would change. I believed I would develop romantic feelings for her through my efforts and through faith in God. I read several books on various subjects and came to an intellectual understanding of my problem quite quickly. I could easily verbalize my problem over and over again but this didn’t change me. I was still devoid of complete desire for my wife. My love for her was a charitable love which is not bad but it lacks warmth.

I read self-improvement books and followed their programs and suggestions. I accomplished some small changes in other areas of my character but for the most part the self-improvement programs were of little value in helping me change emotionally. I understood that I was missing something and decided I needed to first identify what it was.

The word “affection” kept coming to mind as I studied and pondered. Affection as it is commonly understood consists of some tender feelings and expressions. In fact, at least in the United States, I think there is no clear definition of what affection is.

I have come to think of affection as a specific feeling that people probably would not think of as affection. It’s a particular affection that is learned from our parents as they express this same affection for us. The presence or absence of this affection determines our feelings and attitude toward our own physical bodies and subsequently how we view and feel about the bodies of others. I come to realize that there are many affections. The specific affection you feel will be dependant on the object of your affection and what aspect(s) you are perceiving in that object which is triggering the affection. For example if the object of your relationship is a person, you may be perceiving their form or their relationship to you or some personality characteristic that generates a specific feeling of affection in you.

The specific affection I am refering to has to do with our feelings about the human body. Once I identified this affection I began to refer to it as “physical affection”. That is, the affection that is generated as you perceive the value, beauty, and/or meaning of the physical body. I think it is one of the principle feelings necessary to feel the emotions we think of when we hear the expression “falling in love”. I believe this affection is what is refered to in the bible as "natural affection".

Physical affection is lacking in our society either because it was not passed on to the children or children learned to restrict their capacity to experience this affection out of fear. This scarcity of affection results in a rather cold kind of love with romantic feelings being limited. I believe it can affect the health and appearance of one’s own body and that it limits the depth and warmth of relationships with family and friends.

Without Affection

In December 2003, A few days before Christmas, after thirty years of marriage, my wife got in our car and left me to spend the rest of her life with another man. She didn’t leave me because she found the other man but she left, I believe, because she was starving for affection.

She had spoken of divorce long before meeting this man who she eventually married. So the choice she made that day had been brewing for some time.

For most of our marriage it seemed, every month, at a “particular” time of the month, she would express her unhappiness with our relationship. Intimacy was severely lacking, we were more like friends than husband and wife. We had faith that somehow things would change and our relationship would become richer. After many years however no change was evident.

I struggled and prayed for change, but change did not come till it was too late. After all those years of marriage I did finally gain some of the feelings I was looking for, but only after my wife had left.