Affection?

Even in my childhood I suspected that there was something missing in me. I didn’t seem to “feel” enough positive emotions.

When I married there were not a lot of romantic feelings. I felt more like my prospective bride was my best friend but I believed I would change. I believed I would develop romantic feelings for her through my efforts and through faith in God. I read several books on various subjects and came to an intellectual understanding of my problem quite quickly. I could easily verbalize my problem over and over again but this didn’t change me. I was still devoid of complete desire for my wife. My love for her was a charitable love which is not bad but it lacks warmth.

I read self-improvement books and followed their programs and suggestions. I accomplished some small changes in other areas of my character but for the most part the self-improvement programs were of little value in helping me change emotionally. I understood that I was missing something and decided I needed to first identify what it was.

The word “affection” kept coming to mind as I studied and pondered. Affection as it is commonly understood consists of some tender feelings and expressions. In fact, at least in the United States, I think there is no clear definition of what affection is.

I have come to think of affection as a specific feeling that people probably would not think of as affection. It’s a particular affection that is learned from our parents as they express this same affection for us. The presence or absence of this affection determines our feelings and attitude toward our own physical bodies and subsequently how we view and feel about the bodies of others. I come to realize that there are many affections. The specific affection you feel will be dependant on the object of your affection and what aspect(s) you are perceiving in that object which is triggering the affection. For example if the object of your relationship is a person, you may be perceiving their form or their relationship to you or some personality characteristic that generates a specific feeling of affection in you.

The specific affection I am refering to has to do with our feelings about the human body. Once I identified this affection I began to refer to it as “physical affection”. That is, the affection that is generated as you perceive the value, beauty, and/or meaning of the physical body. I think it is one of the principle feelings necessary to feel the emotions we think of when we hear the expression “falling in love”. I believe this affection is what is refered to in the bible as "natural affection".

Physical affection is lacking in our society either because it was not passed on to the children or children learned to restrict their capacity to experience this affection out of fear. This scarcity of affection results in a rather cold kind of love with romantic feelings being limited. I believe it can affect the health and appearance of one’s own body and that it limits the depth and warmth of relationships with family and friends.