Shame

A greater understanding as to why my mother may have felt negative about us physically may be obtained by looking at how she felt about her own body. I found out in a rather dramatic way, what my mother’s attitude toward her own body was and which I believe was her attitude toward mine.

My mother had, in her later years, suffered from mental illness on occasion. Most of the time she was fine but from time to time she would have what we termed a "nervous breakdown". It was like she was trying to break out of all her repressed feelings. She would become embarrassingly honest in her behavior. While in one of these breakdowns her inhibitions were gone and she said whatever was on her mind. She would say and do things that were out of character as far as we were concerned. It was actually a time when she was just trying to be herself, to regain her carefree youth.

One night when I was in my early teens, I heard a commotion upstairs and I went to see what was happening. My father and one of my sisters were in my parent’s bedroom with my mother. My mother was having one of her breakdowns. My mother was on the bed completely naked and was very emotional. I was shocked to see her like that but it turned out to be important that I was there because she cried out "I am ashamed of my body!"

The whole experience was very strange but when I reflected on it later what was significant was that my mother’s body was actually not unattractive yet she was ashamed of it. Mom had a negative attitude toward her body and this same attitude, I surmised, was unintentionally directed toward us children in all her interactions with us and became our attitude regarding our own bodies and affected how we viewed ourselves throughout our lives. What is evident to me is that my mother had either no feelings about me physically or maybe even negative feelings.

I do not blame my mother for anything. I am sure she unwittingly picked this attitude up as she was growing up. Who knows where or when it started; probably over generations. I believe many in the United States have been affected by this same issue. I believe there are many who were given either apathetic or negative attitudes toward their bodies. I suspect that many are repulsed by their own bodies. I will discuss what I see as the reasons for this in a later post. It is important to point out that your attitude toward your own body affects your ability to feel and express physical affection. More on this later.